That Conversation Was Not a Good One
We’ve all been there. You go into a critical conversation prepared. You think through what you want to say, maybe even jot down a few points to keep yourself focused. You feel ready and confident, yet somehow, the conversation backfires. The other person seems to shut down, you don’t feel heard, and instead of progress, you end up with tension or silence.
What went wrong?
This is where emotional intelligence comes in. Emotional intelligence is a set of emotional and social skills that influence how we perceive and express ourselves, develop and maintain relationships, cope with challenges, and use emotional information effectively (Steven J. Stein and Howard E. Book, The EQ Edge: Emotional Intelligence and Your Success, 3rd ed., San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2011). In other words, it’s the way we make and sustain connections with others. By stepping back and looking at what happened through the lens of emotional intelligence, you may find clues that can help you handle the next tough conversation more effectively.
Have Empathy
When preparing for a crucial conversation, don’t just make a list of points you want to deliver. Think about the other person first. What might be happening in their work or home life that could impact how they respond? What perspective might they hold that’s different from yours?
When you approach the conversation with empathy, you’re not only shaping the words you choose but also the tone of your voice and the openness of your body language. Empathy communicates respect. It helps the other person feel seen and understood, which increases the likelihood they will listen to you in return.
Control Your Impulse
A natural urge in difficult conversations is to jump in, correct, or defend your position. But if you interrupt or dismiss the other person’s perspective too quickly, they may disengage. Everyone wants to feel heard.
Practice slowing down. Allow the other person to finish their thought, even if you disagree or feel they’re missing your point. This ties directly to active listening. Clear the script in your own head, the list of things you want to say next, and focus fully on what’s being said in the moment. Often, just being heard diffuses tension and opens space for productive dialogue.
Convey How You Feel
It’s easy to lean too heavily on facts and logic. While those are important, don’t overlook the power of sharing your feelings. Expressing emotions builds trust and authenticity.
For example, suppose you’re asking a colleague to support your project. You could say:
“You’re very organized and have great project management skills. Would you be willing to help me keep things on track?”
That’s a solid request. But notice the difference if you add emotion:
“This is my first big project for the company. I know organization isn’t my strongest skill, and I’m honestly afraid the project might go off track. Would you be willing to help me by using your organizational skills to manage the project?”
The second approach is more vulnerable and genuine. It invites partnership instead of simply delegating responsibility.
Conversations won’t always go perfectly. But by practicing empathy, managing your impulses, and honestly sharing how you feel, you increase the chance of moving from conflict or misunderstanding toward connection and collaboration. And that can turn even a difficult conversation into an opportunity for stronger relationships. Would you like to explore your emotional intelligence? Book a free discovery session via my website so we can talk. I would love to work with you!